It used to be that marriage was for life. You grew up, you got married, you had children, you died and were buried next to your spouse of 40 or 50 years. In the grand scheme of life, divorce was not an option.

Today the National Center for Health Statistics predicts that one out of every two marriages will end in separation or divorce. Experts credit the phenomenal rise in America's divorce rate to many factors, not the least of which is a "me first" attitude that has made giving, sharing and sacrificing for a relationship unfashionable.

Despite the odds, most people want a storybook marriage. So what is it that makes some marriages successful and others a failure? Is there a secret recipe? What can couples do to increase their chance of living happily every after?

So therefore shall man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24

As The Bible says, marriage unites two people. But it's also important to remember that there are still two separate, independent individuals involved. Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse outlines four areas of independence necessary for a healthy relationship in her book Coupleship: emotional, social, financial and physical.

Emotional independence means taking responsibility for your own feelings and expressing them in a constructive way. It also means taking responsibility for building your own self-esteem. When you feel good about yourself, your spouse can feel good about you, too.

Social independence means developing and maintaining friendships and interests outside your marriage as long as they aren't detrimental to the relationship.

Financial independence is what Wegscheider-Cruse defines as "each person's financial contribution to the relationship." Financial contributions aren't always monetary. Working in the home has value, too. It's important that both parties in a marriage take responsibility for financial achievement, because both contribute to a couple's financial freedom or woes.

Finally, physical independence means taking good care of yourself. This includes personal hygiene, maintaining a healthy weight and good grooming.

Many people decide to marry, because they feel incomplete. Marriage is seen as a way to fill a void in their lives. This is an unrealistic expectation. The only person responsible for your own happiness is you. Getting married will not make you whole.

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make. The Beatles, The End, Abbey Road

Everyone brings certain expectations to a relationship. Your expectations of what marriage should be like are probably based on what you learned from your parents while you were growing up.

Keep in mind that every relationship is different. What worked for your parents may not work for you. The only thing you have the right to expect from your spouse is what you are willing to give to the relationship yourself.

Mutual expectations that can form the basis of a solid relationship include:

• providing support and encouragement for each other as you grow and change;
• standing by each other in times of trouble;
• sharing responsibilities;
• cherishing your relationship and making choices that are good for both of you;
• giving up any idea that you can change each other.

As a couple, you need to create your own rules for your relationship. And both of you need to abide by them.

My friends from college are all married now. They have their houses and their lawns. They have their silent noons, tearful nights, angry dawns. Carly Simon

Every couple fights. The reasons are many. Fights can be caused by unspoken expectations, little resentments, broken promises or just plain wanting to get your own way. Whatever the cause of conflict, there are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with it.

Unhealthy ways of handling conflict can include:

• avoiding it;
• choosing to be a victim;
• becoming a blamer;
• becoming a judge;
• becoming a punisher
• proving that your spouse is wrong;
• using the conflict to get power over your spouse.

In contrast, healthy fighting is characterized by:

• talking in terms of how you feel, such as "When you show up three hours late, it makes me feel unimportant;"
• asking for what you want, such as, "If you're going to be late, I want you to call;"
• acknowledging differences and looking for compromise, such as, "I know your job means you have to work late sometimes. If you are going to be longer than an hour past your normal time, I'd appreciate a call to check and make sure you're not interfering with any of my plans;"
• assessing the importance of the issue; and
• creating new ways of looking at things.

Remember that the goal of fighting should not be to win at any cost. The goal should be to air your feelings and negotiate a compromise. Wegsheider-Cruse outlines nine rules for fighting fair in her book Coupleship:

1. Give yourself permission to fight. Accept the fact that disagreements and fights are natural when two separate people are bound together in marriage.
2. Know why you are fighting. Be sure what you are fighting about is really what you are angry about.
3. Establish a goal. Good goals include clearing the air, finding a solution, sharing feelings and gaining a greater understanding of each other. Fighting only to win is destructive.
4. Play fair. Don't be hurting, sarcastic or belittling. Stick to the issue and try to resolve it in a way that may bring you closer.
5. Take responsibility for what you say. Be clear, direct and open about your feelings and desires. Don't beat around the bush or use euphemisms. It's up to you to make sure your partner understands what's bothering you.
6. Show mutual respect. Don't blame, accuse, demean or insult each other. Don't try to determine who's right and who's wrong.
7. Pinpoint the real issue. People often have surface fights that don't touch the real issue. Look for what the conflict is really about. That's what has to be resolved.
8. Seek areas of agreement. Try to find things to agree on, even if it's only that you don't want to break up permanently.
9. Participate mutually in finding a solution. Since both of you are involved in the conflict, it only makes sense that both of you work on possible solutions.

The thrill is gone .... B.B. King

Fun and romance are not necessarily automatic in a marriage. They are things couples need to practice and make time for. Listen to each other and find out what each of you enjoys doing. Then do some of those things together.

Everyone perceives love and tenderness differently. In a marriage, each of you has certain caring behaviors that make you feel loved and important to each other. Be open and honest with your spouse about ways he or she can help you feel loved. Remember, there are no correct ways to love each other. It is your responsibility to give your partner special attention and consideration and not take the relationship for granted.

For information about couples counseling, call the Center for Behavioral Health® at Baptist Hospital East (502) 896-7105 or toll-free 1-800-478-1105. Help is available 24 hours a day.

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