"Dad, Mom said I could go to the concert tonight if it's OK with you. PLEASE, Dad?"

"When I'm at Dad's house, HE lets me watch any movie I want!"

Sound familiar? When it comes to getting what they want out of parents, most adolescents are masters of the "divide and conquer" strategy. Parents under siege would do well to remember the words of George Pope Morris, "United we stand, divided we fall." Unfortunately, staying united is a lot harder to do than it sounds when you're down in the trenches parenting.

A normal part of parenting

No matter what the family situation, parents are going to have disagreements about raising children. It's impossible to share the same opinions and beliefs about everything. The problem lies in how those disagreements are handled. Disputes that are quickly resolved through negotiation and compromise can be a growing experience for both parents and child. Disputes that drag on and dredge up problems from the past can hurt a teen's self-esteem and view of the family.

Consequences of unresolved disagreements

Lasting, unsettled disputes can lead to pessimism or even apathy in a teen-ager. A teen learns to be wary of any issue involving communication with parents, because it will only cause a fight.

Boys especially have a tendency to remove themselves from the situation by shutting down, not only to their parents but to their peers, as well. Instead, they act out. Grades plummet. They may engage in dangerous or reckless behavior or start using alcohol or drugs. The result is that the teen stays in constant trouble both at school and at home. Sadly, some teens reach out for this kind of negative attention, because it's the only kind they can get.

Teen-age girls cope differently with problems on the home front. They may shut down to their parents, but are more likely to seek the support of friends. When teen-age girls do shut down to their peers, they are more likely to get depressed than to act out.

Disagreements: simple, complex or compound-complex?

Child rearing disputes between parents can be divided into three categories: simple, complex or compound-complex. Simple disputes revolve around a single issue -- a difference of opinion between parents. Mom thinks daughter should be allowed to go on car dates starting at age 16. Dad thinks daughter should wait until she's 35. There's no past history, so it's fairly easy to resolve. Usually, a compromise can be reached between mom, dad and daughter. Sometimes, the compromise includes a trial or evaluation period that sets the stage for future discussions. For example, daughter may go on car dates for major social events such as chaperoned dances, but not to drive-in movies. If all goes well, other types of car dates will be considered.

Compound disputes involve a recurring difference of opinion. Mom thinks son should be home by 9 p.m. on school days. Dad thinks he should be home at 10 p.m. Mom compromises and lets son stay out until 10, but she feels resentful. Despite the fact that son never comes in late, mom is very tense about curfew and makes little digs at son for never coming home. When son's grades are poor, she remarks, "He'd have more time to study if he had to be in earlier." Disagreements from the past come into play, leading to a breakdown of negotiation and any hope of compromise.

Compound-complex disputes amount to all out war. Every difference of opinion ignites unresolved hurts and tensions between parents. Parents are actually using their children to fight out bitter personal hostilities. A high school senior comes in late and has obviously been drinking. Dad jumps on mom saying, "You encouraged her to do this by letting her go on car dates when she was only 16! Besides, this wouldn't have happened if you had stayed home while she was growing up, instead of working at that precious job of yours!" Underlying dad's comment about mom's job is his resentment that she is out-earning him by $20,000 a year. Mom responds in kind by noting that she wouldn't have needed to work if dad had been intelligent enough to find a better job himself. And the fight escalates from there.

What neither parent wants to admit is that their child may be drinking to escape her situation at home. In fact, many parents send their teens to counseling in the secret hope that solving their children's problems will solve their own.

What parents can do

It is hard for adults to have constant, harmonious opinions about their children, much less always communicate well about disagreements. When you and your spouse don't see eye-to-eye, here are some suggestions that might help:

1. Clearly define expectations for your teen (e.g. "I expect your room cleaned up by Friday at 5 p.m." instead of "I want this room kept clean.")
2. When you disagree between yourselves, set aside a time to more thoroughly discuss the issue. It's usually OK to tell the child that you have a difference of opinion, but there is no need to give your teen the details until after the adult discussion is completed.
3. Bribing your child with money or gifts is no way to resolve a conflict. It merely sets up unrealistic expectations for the future. Instead, give your teens time, attention and conversation.
4. Try empathy. Put yourself in the other adult's shoes. Then put yourself in your teen's shoes. Remember how you felt when your parents disagreed about things that were important to you? Empathy will help make you more flexible and sensitive to others' perspectives. And it keeps hurtful defensiveness to a minimum. You may not always agree with your spouse or ex, but you should at least try to understand their point-of-view.

The Center for Behavioral Health® offers family counseling services in St. Matthews and La Grange. For more information or to schedule an appointment, call (502) 896-7105 or toll-free 1-800-478-1105. Help is available 24 hours a day.